Wednesday, October 24, 2018

NaNo Prepping


What? Mygirlfriend wrote a blog post? Holy crap, I better I write one now because I don't want to look like a slacker.

NaNoWriMo is almost upon us once again, and soon I will be starting off strong, writing a few thousand words right out of the gate only to hit a roadblock and figure out where I want to go from there. That's okay though because I have an outline this year and there is no way my story could ever deviate from that…crap, it already did and I haven't started writing yet. Oh well, I'll write another post of absolute gibberish (I'll repost that one day).

In all seriousness, though, I am undertaking the task again. I lost last year due to lack of steam at the end and also the loss of a couple thousand words when I opened Scrivener on another computer before it had properly saved. This year, I'm using OneNote because it is perfectly suited to this task. I am also not going to be a slave to my wordcount (he says…) and I'm just going to get this story out. As I said above, I have an outline (which actually has plenty of flexibility) and I plan on sticking to it. That means that if I get stuck on one part, I can move to another without worrying much about continuity (What do you mean my character was three years older six months ago? Oh, it must have been a time machine accident between chapters. Wait, I'm not writing about a time machine.)

Anyway, if you'd like to participate in NaNoWriMo and write 50,000 words in 30 days and be like the other sadistic fools who take on this venture, visit https://nanowrimo.org for information. It's a lot of fun and you can meet new people.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

SGMR Ind. New Product Announcement

SGMR Industries. Inc. has always been committed to selling products for money to people who probably don’t need them in the first place. Since we first introduced our first product, people have been throwing money at us and clamoring for more. Well, we gave them more. We added more adjectives, and more shiny bits and sold it for more money than the previous version. That’s what we do and people love us for it.

Today, we introduce yet another, new, revolutionary, shiny, big, fabulous, and highly improved product. It will do something more impressive than the previous version and we will introduce something else that people didn’t think they needed. However, people will make a reason to need this product and they won’t care how much they have to pay for it, because it’s from us. We are excited to see how much more money we’re going to make off of this product and how many people will buy it before we obsolete it in six months when we tease our next product that will contain one more thing that people don’t need.

We will begin preorders at retail outlets on Friday morning which means that we will control the entire news cycle that day. This is our mission, and when the product is released, we will only distribute at those same retailers so that we can build hype for the next iteration. People like to stand in line for exclusive products that they spend a lot of money on to look more impressive in front of their friends. Our commitment to our customers is to make them feel more important than everybody else.

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Trying To Blog Again


I have a lot of things rattling around my head that I need to get out. Primarily because NaNoWriMo is nearly upon us and I need to get writing again. I have an idea for a project this year and it could be really good, but that's not for me to decide. I do have one thing to take care of…the comments.

You, dear reader, do not see all the comments that I get. I have a ton of spam that has nothing to do with the content. They are so general that the bot that posts them posts them everywhere. Here's an example…

 



This comment was left on an SGMR Industries, Inc. post which are sarcastic, humorous, and not to be taken seriously. There are plenty more like that.

Some of the comments left are spam for Adwords or SEO.





All of the poster names are Anonymous and many are just nonsense that don't fit the context of some of my posts.






I have decided that instead of dealing with these comments, I am disabling comments. If you want to comment, please do so on Facebook or Twitter. I will keep past legitimate comments, but from here on out, comments are closed.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Press Release: Career Day Apology

We at SGMR Industries, Inc. take our commitment to the community, and court-ordered community service, very seriously. We would like to issue an apology to the parents of students at the local elementary school if they were offended by remarks made by our President and CEO, Chadwick Fitzgerald Vanderhaven III. It is not unreasonable to perceive his comments as unsuitable for anyone under the age of 25, but it should be pointed out that nothing he said was a lie. Also, most kids in the second grade don't know what the phrase, "hookers and blow" even means.

It is obvious, when put in the correct context, that his comments made toward Ms. Johnson were meant to be complimentary. However, in his intoxicated state it is not difficult how such comments can be misconstrued. We're sorry that Ms. Johnson was unable to recognize the complimentary nature of the President & CEO's comments.

The President & CEO would like to express his thanks to the students and staff of "<school name>=?" and would like it known that he appreciates being able to use such a simple task toward his 800 hours of community service (related to last year's "neighborhood yard sale" incident). We are still amazed that the court has allowed the President & CEO to be allowed to enter an elementary school.

Monday, August 20, 2018

8. The Quest For Cool

I have to admit, painful as it is, that I have done things that I am not proud of (involving music purchases. Get your minds out of the gutter). The biggest and most egregious that I can think of is giving into peer pressure and attempting to be “cool”. I have learned since that it is not worth it, and that no matter what I do or how hard I try, I will never be “cool”. But, I was in the seventh grade and at a point when I was trying so hard to fit in. Two of the biggest albums in 1986 were Whitesnake’s self-titled seventh album (I hate when bands release a self-titled album after they have a back catalog). The other was Bon Jovi’s Slippery When Wet. It appeared to me at that time, in order to be cool, one must actually own these albums. So, I asked for them for Christmas (yes, in hindsight, I wasted two perfectly good gift slots on these two albums).

I had already gotten albums from Columbia House records, which was that mail-order company that sold eight, twelve, or seventy albums for a penny. These two albums were not on the “for a penny” list (most of the records on that list were falling in popularity and they had to clear them out to make room for Bon Jovi and Whitesnake). When the Columbia House catalog came in, the prices for these albums were just north of outrageous (usually $12.95 plus shipping and handling) and I was not using my allowance to pay for one album. I could go to Disc Connection and get lots of good albums for cheap. Unfortunately for me, the two albums that I was seeking to make me cool were too new to be in the used section.

Finally, Christmas vacation came, and then Christmas Day, and I got my albums. I was finally, for that short time, “cool”. I listened to them and, frankly, I only remember the hits. There was nothing else on either of these albums that stuck out to me. They were pretty bland. “Here I Go Again” was an okay song at the time, but the half-assed guitar solo ruined the whole song (there’s this choppy progression in the middle of the solo that just takes me out of it…I could go on for hours about that ham-fisted, amateurish thing that was supposed to be a guitar solo, but I won’t…makes Paul Stanley look like a virtuoso…sorry, I’ll stop).

Christmas vacation ended and I was back to school and ready to unleash my new “cool”. “I got Whitesnake and Slippery When Wet,” I said.

“Oh, sorry, Bon Jovi is no longer cool,” I was told. Luckily, I was unable to remember what anybody thought the new cool band was. I decided from that point on, I was the only person allowed to dictate my musical tastes. If I liked a song, I liked it, and if I didn’t, well, it didn’t make it into to my record crate.

The moral of the story is: Bon Jovi sucks and so does Whitesnake. Neither of those albums ever made it to a mixtape or into my CD collection and I also have not listened to them on Google Play because they are not worth my time. Life’s too short for shitty guitar solos.

Friday, August 17, 2018

Announcing SGMR Wellness, LLC

We here at SGMR Industries, Inc. have noticed a great need for health and wellness experts in our great land. People seem to be spending more money in grocery stores and not nearly enough with us. So we are announcing our newest venture, SGMR Wellness, LLC, headed up by Allen C. Grant, HWG. Allen is a certified guru by our own strict set of proprietary criteria that determines what a guru is. Anyway, here is just a sampling of the wisdom of our resident guru.

From his June 2015 seminar, The Water Industry is Killing Us.

“Did you know that you’ve been lied to all these years? You have. The Water Industrial Complex has been cheating you out of health and wellness for thousands of years. You may think that you drink enough water, but you’re not. You’re only getting half of the necessary elements that you need with every glass, but it gets worse. Ladies and gentlemen, the water companies have been using fillers in their water. They have been cheating you all this time and you never even knew it. Look at this chart (he displays a chart of a downward pointing arrow on a graph), it showing us that world’s population has been decreasing for a billion years. Do you know why? Because BIG WATER has been contaminating their product with double the hydrogen for each oxygen atom that they give you. Do you know why? Because hydrogen is cheap, but do you know what else? It’s explosive. That’s right people, the BIG WATER is trying to blow us all up! Wake up and look at this chart again, we are dying off. There are only a few people left on earth according to my statistics that I calculated. When THEY tell you that the world’s population is increasing in numbers, don’t believe them. There are only a few hundred people left on earth as we speak, but there’s something that we can do about it. 
“Ladies and gentlemen, I am introducing you to the newest revolution in water intake and rehydration. I have created a revolutionary new water bottle that is infused with pure, organic, GMO-free oxygen that will help to repair the water that has been foisted upon us for millennia. It will add that extra oxygen that is missing from traditional water and make us all happier and healthier. Right now, because of our newest corporate partnership, we are offering this new bottle not for $10, not $5, but for $49.95. If you keep drinking that ordinary water, you will die like 100% of the people who consume it. If you buy this bottle, you will know that you’ve done something good for yourself when you take that first drink. You will feel more energized and your vitality will improve greatly. What’s even better is that you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you are superior to everyone that doesn’t rush to their computer to buy two or three of these bottles because the more you buy, the better and more superior you will feel. Don’t cheat yourself out of the oxygen that you so desperately need. Live a superior life.”

Ladies and gentlemen, we here at SGMR Industries, Inc. are proud to have Allen Grant on our team to help make people’s lives and our bottom line much, much healthier. Because of the great occasion of having him here, we are offering a special on the ACG Oxygen Bottle, when you buy one bottle at regular price, you get a second one absolutely at the cost of a second one. That’s two bottles for the price of one plus another. Welcome aboard, Allen.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

The Romance That I Never Wrote

I wrote this post five years ago today. I'm still proud of it.

I've always wanted to write a romance novel and I've always had a scene in my mind that I am finally giving myself the opportunity to share. It is only a scene, and it may surprise you. Apologies to other romance writers.
She looked down from the bedroom window into the yard and saw him sitting there in the early afternoon sun. The light reflected off his balding head while the warm breeze blew through the hair on his shoulders. He cradled his hoagie sandwich in his meaty fingers with great passion and she dreamed of being held like that. She also dreamed of feeling that strong mouth on her and she tingled when he took a bite of the sandwich.
His eyes traced upward to the window. She tried to hide, but she was locked in his gaze. The lettuce hung from the side of his mouth as a piece of turkey fell onto his large, bulbous belly that overflowed under his mustard-stained shirt. He smiled at her. His missing front teeth accented the yellow in his remaining teeth. She sighed deeply as he stared at her.
She let the top of her paisley bathrobe fall open as she moved back from the window. He hopped off the tailgate of the 1984 Ford pickup, fell down in a pile of manure, stepped on a rake which hit him in the side of the head. He made his way for the door, never letting go of that hoagie.  She knew that she would soon be smothered by him. 

I hope you enjoyed this excerpt of my never-finished romance, Smothered in Bacon and Lust, not available anywhere but here. Thanks for reading and let me know if you would like to read more things like this, or if you are filing a restraining order against me.